Character #1:It’s like what Lenin said… you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh…

Character #2:I am the walrus.

Character #1:You know what I’m trying to say…

Character #2:I am the walrus.

Character #3:That fucking bitch…

Character #2:I am the walrus.

Character #3:Shut the fuck up! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

Character #2:What the fuck is he talking about?

Unfortunately, it doesn’t read as funny as it actually is. I guess you will have to watch it for the full effect…if you can guess what it is. Anyone care to take a stab at it?

P.S. - It’s about 10 years old and the preceding exchange takes place in a bowling alley.

We’d never heard of this movie, or even Kane.  D and I tend to avoid horror films because we’re both big chickens.  I already have enough sleep issues and remember my dreams every single night.  Adding a horror flick to the mix is usually not a good idea.  But after looking at that DVD for weeks I finally read the description on the back which said that the psychotic killer is going after criminals.  I figured one bad guy going after other bad guys was better than one bad guy going after a bunch of innocent people.  So on a lazy Friday evening I proposed to D that we watch it.

As it turned out, the psycho killer is not going after other killers and hardened criminals but rather after juvenile delinquents whose past crimes of shoplifting and selling weed don’t really warrant the eyeball plucking, hook grabbing, and other nasty punishments.  I closed my eyes a lot throughout the movie because I did not want to see jars of eyeballs in my dreams.  I kept wondering what horrors had been done to this man as a child to make him turn out like this, as well as how this nearly-retarded killer could have staged this whole thing.  (Did I mention that the cop who shot the psycho in the head years ago happens to be with the juvenile delinquents?  Coincidence?  I thought not.)

I have to admit that this movie was actually better than I expected.  Of course I had the lowest of expectations for it, but the pacing was quick and the plot interesting.  But the key to the whole mystery turned out to be Mama, which got me thinking about the relationship between family and violence in movies.  It seems that when a father is abusive in a film, he is usually just violent or a violent drunk, sometimes sexually violent, but usually a clear case of aggression and anger.  On the other hand when a mother is the abuser, it is usually a sick and twisted relationship, with sexual, Oedipal, and religious themes.  Think of Norman Bates and his mother or Carrie and her mother.

So, what is up with that?  Why do moms get this bad rep in horror flicks?  Why does every psycho have to have an even crazier mother? Or am I totally wrong here since I admittedly haven’t watched very many horror films in my life?

The only question I have is why would they bring a bong to Amsterdam? As D said, “That’s like bringing a book to the library.”

Normally I hate, abhor, detest (and any other synonym you can think of) romantic comedies, but I can trick myself into watching it when it’s in another language. Especially French. Everything sounds better in French. Years ago, an Algerian guy taught me to say “Je te deteste” and now I say it to D all the time in a slow seductive voice so that he can’t get mad at me because, damn it, it sounds so good. But I digress…the film was cute, funny, completely predictable, and I really enjoyed it.

I just wish they had talked slower because I couldn’t figure out which word was French for “ass-face”.

Last night, D and I finally got around to seeing The Lives Of Others, a German film which won the best foreign language film Oscar last year. My girl Jersey recommended this film to us a few months ago and I’m so glad that we finally saw it. It is set in East Germany about five years before the Berlin Wall came down and centers around a Stasi (secret police) agent who is assigned to conduct surveillance on a writer. The movie is beautifully filmed and scripted with amazing performances. Ulrich Muhe, who plays the agent, just blew me away in this film. For much of the movie he is up in the attic with headphones on listening to what is going on in the writer’s apartment. That is not much to work with in terms of acting but his face conveys every range of emotion and you can just see right into his heart. There is a beautiful scene when he listens to the writer play the piano and it’s like you can see his soul and every thought that is running through his head.

This is one of those films that will stay in your head for a long time. You will feel for these characters, even understand how the Stasi have come to think the way they do. There is such a fine line between protecting the citizens of a country and taking away their basic human rights. What makes it trickier is that this line is fluid and therefore makes it easier for the government to keep pushing and pushing in one direction. As I watched this film I was reminded of a quote by General Iberico Saint Jean of Argentina who said, “First we kill all the subversives; then, their collaborators; later, those who sympathize with them; afterword, those who remain indifferent; and finally, the undecided”.

We need films like this to remind us not to take our freedoms for granted, not to give them up for a skewed “safety”.

Whoa, I didn’t mean to get all super-serious and political there. So let me end this by saying that Cloverfield sucked (though I liked the frenetic hand-held directing style).

So, until I become independently wealthy or get a kid or a pet so I can have an endless supply of amusing stories, you will just have to watch this funny-ass MadTV skit with Bobby Lee in footed pajama. Warning: don’t eat or drink while watching. I am not going to be responsible for chocking accidents.

The movie was so good, as if the pages of the novels literally became animated. Unfortunately, I don’t think it is playing in too many cities; here in NYC it is only playing at the Angelika. I would recommend seeing it if it is playing anywhere near you. D liked it as much as I did which in itself should tell you how good it is (and should probably be a criteria for an Academy Award nomination) since he and I usually don’t see eye-to-eye on films.

Before the movie started, we also got a free comedy routine provided by the two men sitting behind us, one in his 40s and the other in his 60s. The older man had no idea what he was going to be watching so the younger man was trying to explain about the books (though it was obvious that he hadn’t read them himself and I had to literally bite my tongue and force myself to stare at the screen in front of me to stop myself from giving them a synopsis of the story). “But what is a graphic novel compared to a regular novel?”, asked the older man. “It’s basically like a large comic book.” “Oh, I never heard of those.” I guess he’s been living in a shoe box for some time now.

Then the older man’s cell phone rang and soon I heard him saying, “We’re seeing Persyphilis…well, maybe not syphilis.” After he got off the phone, the younger man told him to turn his cell phone off since the movie will be starting. “How do I do that?” “I think you push this red button here. That’s how I turn mine off.” “What red button? This one here? I just press it? How do you know?” I was trying my best to keep from laughing while discreetly elbowing D to see if he was hearing it too. Has this man seriously never ever turned his cell phone off?

As the movie started playing, the younger man would laugh these huge, loud, knee-slapper, belly-laughs every time something funny occurred, which was quite often. (Told ya’ll there’s a lot of humor in there.) It was one of those somewhat pretentious laughs where every individual HA is enunciated. And it was so loud that I kept turning around convinced that I will see a megaphone attached to his lips.

And if you’re still not sure if you want to see the film or not, here’s another incentive. You will understand why D said to me, “Maybe I will put coffee beans in my jockstrap so I will always smell nice.”

I wonder if Dubya had a chance to see it. Then again, he probably wouldn’t get it anyway.

At the end of the 2nd round, GSP got Hughes in a beautiful armbar.  With only 6 seconds left in the round Hughes had to tap.  And the best part is that Hughes had to verbally tap since his other arm was pinned under him.  That was my favorite part - seeing the look of pain on Hughes’ face as he screamed TAP TAP TAP.

I do have to say that I was impressed with the fact that Hughes took the loss with dignity instead making some smart-ass comment as he so often does.  He actually said, “Georges is the better fighter”.  After this loss, Hughes seems to be seriously considering retiring.  I think it might be a good idea.  Not everyone can be a Randy Cotoure.  And the last thing Hughes wants to do is end up as pathetic as Ken Shamrock.

In other UFC news, D’s favorite fighter Chuck Liddell defeated Wanderlei Silva by unanimous decision.  After his last several fights, we were getting a bit worried about Chuck.  (Seriously, how many times can they show the same footage of him training by pushing wheelbarrows up a hill for us to figure that he actually hasn’t pushed a wheelbarrow in ages.)  But last night a bit of the old Iceman came through.  And though it wasn’t a KO as he would’ve liked, it was still a great fight, especially against such a worthy adversary as Silva.

Also, I really liked the way Lyoto Machida took out Sokoudjou with an arm triangle.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.  In fact I couldn’t quite figure out how it even worked until I asked D to demonstrate on me.  He was more than willing since he is always trying out techniques on me (which can get annoying since I never know if he is going for a hug or a clinch).  He manuevered my arm into position until I started to feel the pressure.  I never would’ve imagined that a person can be chocked with their own arm - it’s pretty cool.

Finally, I was really impressed with Rich Clementi’s win over Melvin Guillard but did he have to act like a complete asshole afterward?  One of the reasons I got into the UFC was beacause of the comraderie and good sportsmanship after the fights.  There is no need to start acting like the WWE.

This will be the third time that Georges fights Matt and I hope he beats the crap out of him. You see, Matt Hughes is a really good fighter, there’s no denying that, but he is an arrogant prick and for that I want him to lose. He’s been a coach twice on The Ultimate Fighter reality show and each time he showed his true ugly personality. Basically, if you’re not a Bible-loving farm boy then you ain’t shit to him. His idea of coaching is smirking and criticizing. I can’t wait for Georges to beat that smug smirk off his face.

I’ve seen previews for the fight and Matt says how he beat Georges once already. Typical Matt - what he doesn’t mention is that Georges was just starting out in the UFC when they fought the first time and that the second time they fought, Georges beat Matt senseless. A lot of people didn’t think Georges could do it but I had faith in my man and I know he can do it again.

And ladies, for those of you whose eyes are glazing over as you read this and wonder what the hell I’m talking about, I would really recommend watching some UFC fights. They’re usually really exciting because of the variety of martial arts used. (I especially love the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu element.) But, more importantly, you get to see hot HALF-NAKED MEN duking it out in the ring octagon. I’ve recently converted a friend of mine and now she’s a big fan. She’s even taken to watching the fights while her husband plays video games. And she has a future second husband in the UFC too - Roger Huerta. She also wants to apply if the UFC ever needs a person to be the official cup-checker. Best of all, she promised that I could check Georges on the nights he fights. Jackpot.